Welcome to a new column in which the Fool in Paradise, a.k.a. Neil Hutchison, answers readers’ most complex and intimate questions about Pattaya with his usual sincerity, insight, wisdom and political correctness.  No question is too difficult for the Fool and results from the standard pre-publication trials using laboratory mice are encouraging.  (Greenies and whale-savers please note that no mices were harmed during the trials although one came close to being bored to death.)
Send your intimate, juicy, raunchy questions to the Fool at this website.


Hello.  Me mates have been telling me to go to Pataya but I know nowt about the place.  I heard there are many women there but I don’t want to go with no hookers.  Can you tell me where I can find a good lass?
Lee, from Hull, UK

Dear Lee,
Thanks!  It is great to get an easy question to begin with although I am not quite sure what a ‘nowt’ is.  Of course I can tell you where to find a good lady.  I must admit this is based on hearsay, but I heard there is one on the Pacific island of Rapanui.  Take a flight from Manchester to Amsterdam then to Bangkok via Dubai.  From Bangkok, fly to Auckland (NZ) via Sydney and then get a flight to Santiago, Chile.  From there get a plane to Mataveri International Airport on Easter Island (Rapanui).  Get a bus into the town and go to the 4th hut north of the bus station.  The rumour is she lives there.  But you had better hurry; there are about 2 billion other men on this planet looking for her as well.


Hello Nell, I am Bjorn from Sweden.  I am coming to Pattaya in the summer time but I have one question for you Nell.  Is any snakes in Pattaya?  I scared very much of snakes.  Thankyou.
Bjorn, from Skelleftehamn, Sweden

Dear Bjorn,
Yes, Bjorn, there are many snakes in Pattaya and you have every reason to be scared of them.  Although they come in all shapes and sizes, most species are easily recognisable with long black hair, brown eyes and brown skin.  Some try to disguise themselves by changing their hair colour, wearing coloured contact lenses and lightening their skin tone.  All have a forked tongue.  After being bitten, the first symptoms are empty headedness and a rapid depletion of your holiday funds.  This is followed by a rise in your gullibility, a dramatic change in your holiday plans, brain deterioration and finally a desire to never go home.  Bites are rarely fatal but, unfortunately, there is no known antivenin.  You will have to forgive the free plug here but, reading my book Money Number One – TWICE – will alert you to some of the dangers.  Glad to be of help.


How are you Mr. Fool.  My name is Dr. Oobagni Matagooloo and I live in Nairobi.  Having a problem because I found a lot of money 5 million pounds sterling and I have to get it out of the country into a foreign bank account ASAP.  If you can send me your bank account details I will transfer the money into your account and then go to Thailand to meet you and collect my share.  You can keep 40% as your commission.  Hope you can help me please.
Oobagni Matagooloo, from Nairobi, Kenya.

Dear Oobagni,
Wow!  This is such a wonderful offer I hope you don’t mind me sharing it with my readers.  Unfortunately I do not have a bank account as it costs a lot of money to open one here.  If you could send me say 1,000 pounds sterling by Western Union, I will open an account and e-mail you the details so you can transfer the money.  I promise.