Going Native
Chuck is a relatively recent addition to our little foreign commune nestled in a predominantly Thai housing estate. He seemed a nice guy and made friends very easily and quickly, although, hailing from a southern state of the USA, it took the non-Americans among us a little time to get used to his accent.
In the beginning, we often had to ask another American retiree for a translation, but we’re over that now. It is not Chuck’s first trip to Thailand but it is his first long-term stay. His plan is to experiment with retiring here and now, after being here just over six weeks, he figures it will take him one more trip ‘back home’ to tidy up his affairs and make the permanent transition.
Chuck didn’t know Pattaya very well so, being good hosts and needing an excuse to get out on the town, my good friend Dan and I decided to show him some of Pattaya’s famous night life. Early one evening a few weeks ago we escorted the eager Chuck to a Go Go Bar with the plan to use it as the starting point for a night’s bar crawl. All went well until Chuck became over enthusiastic about one attractive dancer.
When she finished her dance, we noticed him talking with her. It seemed to be only five minutes later, we were shocked to see her dressed in her street clothes and Chuck paying his bin. As he walked out the door with his new friend at his side, we asked what the hell was going on. He simply said he thought he’d have an early night and left it at that. Dan and I were confused but decided to continue the evening without him. There wasn’t much choice.
The following evening Dan and I met for drinks at our usual spot and asked if anyone had seen Chuck. No-one had. The same on the following night. Nobody had seen nor heard from him, including his landlady who sees and knows all. On the third night we became a little concerned and asked his landlady if we could check his room. She grabbed the spare key and we examined his apartment to find nothing out of the ordinary. No tell-tale odour, no blood splatters, and no Chuck. It wasn’t until the fourth evening that, as cool as you please, Chuck came wandering over to the convenience store to have a drink with us.
“Where the #!&*! have you been?” we chorused. Chuck smiled, said it was a long story, ordered a beer and sat down.
“Well, we’re listening,” came our terse response.
Chuck hadn’t come to Thailand by accident. It was at the repeated invitation of an old military buddy of his who had already retired here and was living on the outskirts of Bangkok. When Chuck returned to his room with the young lady from the Go Go, he received a phone call from his buddy inviting him to Korat to see the new house he had just built for himself and his girlfriend.
His buddy told him to catch a bus from Pattaya and call him when he reached Korat. Chuck had a pleasant night with his Go Go companion, Lek, and when she left at around 7:00am, spontaneously decided to head up to Korat for a few days. He caught a motorcycle taxi to the bus station, bought a ticket and hopped on the bus.
Chuck first suspected something was not quite right when the bus headed southeast. He knew Korat was northeast. His concern grew once he passed Rayong but he thought that perhaps the bus driver knew a short cut. After four hours on the bus, it pulled in at Chantaburi and Chuck realized he was going the wrong way. He checked his ticket to find he was going to Trat. It seemed the Thais at the bus station had trouble with his southern accent as well.
When he asked for a ticket to Korat, it must have sounded like he was saying Trat (pronounced T-a-r-t). He left the bus and called his buddy who told him he could catch another bus from Chantaburi to Korat. That he did, this time checking his ticket to make sure it read Nakon Ratchasima.
He finally made it, met up with his pal and booked into a hotel. He met his friend’s girlfriend, looked over the house which had just been completed and had a good time. After two nights, he and his buddy caught a bus to Bangkok where he stayed another night to help him clean up his apartment in readiness for the move to his new house.
Chuck caught a bus back to Pattaya in the afternoon and here he was. He took a sip from his beer as if to say “That’s the story, so what’s your problem?” but we weren’t letting him off that easily. Even though he is older than both of us, Dan and I behaved like two mother hens. “We were worried about you! You never told anyone you were going away! You could have had a heart attack or been murdered in your sleep and we wouldn’t have found your rotting, bloated corpse until the putrid smell upset one of your neighbours!
If you’re going to do something like that again make sure you tell someone first so we don’t worry!” Yes, we laid it on thick. Half serious and half in jest, we went through every reprimand I’d ever received from my own mother, apart from the ‘bloated corpse’ bit which we added for effect. But we were right and he was wrong, so we made sure he knew it.
Once we felt he was suitably chastised, the conversation turned to more appealing matters. “Well, how was that girl from the Go Go?” He said Lek was fine, but the most interesting development was the phone call he just received from his buddy. His friend called to say he just got off the phone with his girlfriend. She called him to say she didn’t want to see him any more because she didn’t love him and was moving into the new house with her ‘brother’.
This was within 48 hours of the house being completed and Chuck’s friend handing over the final payment. Talk about bad timing. We asked how his pal took the news. He said he seemed fine and had actually laughed about it. He admitted he went into the deal knowing it would happen eventually and was only surprised at the speed. He thought he’d last at least six months, not two days!
Having already played his ‘mother’, we began playing his ‘school teacher’. We told Chuck these events were all part of his learning experience.
“And what valuable lessons have you learned from all this?” Dan asked.
“Well,” replied Chuck in his slow, southern drawl, “I’ve learned I have to let someone responsible know when I am going to be away for a while.”
“Yes, and what else?” continued Dan mimicking a school mistress.
“Well, I now know that Trat is nowhere near Korat.”
“Yes,” I joined in the game. “And anything else?”
Chuck took a swig from his beer before delivering his coup de grace. “Oh! And I know I’m gonna have to go to Buriram and try and get the deposit back on that house I bought for Lek.”