Pattaya Bars deliver comic conversations for expats.

One enjoyable thing about living in a foreign country such as Thailand is the conversation heard pattaya barsbetween expats around Pattaya Bars.  By choice, we are a minority group in a confusing environment, so the conversation is not the usual over the back fence ‘little Johnny’s got the mumps’, ‘what did you think of the game last night?’ type of stuff.  Expats tend to be a lot more serious about their lives than that mundane rubbish.  We deal with the daily matters of survival just as the cavemen used to do a hundred thousand years ago.  We offer each other advice, console a friend in times of need and, on occasion, put our heads together to solve the problems of the world.  And what better venue in which to solve the world’s woes than in one of the many Pattaya bars over several cold, head-clearing beers.
Take last week for instance.  Having early evening drinks with a few mates, our idle banter covered a spectrum of concerns, ideas and cunning plans.  Bob started the ball rolling when someone asked where his girlfriend was.
“Oh, she’s gone off with her German boyfriend.”

Now, in any normal society, that remark would evoke many moral questions and offers of solace and comfort to a friend cuckolded in the most blatant and devastating way.  Pattaya bars are different!
“When will she be back?” Peter asked without so much as a raised eyebrow.
“I think he’s heading home at the end of the month.  Every year he comes over for a three-week holiday and takes her all over the country with him.”
“So you get to have a holiday as well?”
“Yeah, mate.  The good thing is he buys her jewellery and new clothes so it saves me from buying it.”

Bob went on to say how last year The German left her 20,000 baht before returning home and they had a great time spending it.  We all congratulated him on his good fortune, ending with our wishes that, with inflation and the strong Euro, he might leave more this year.

The subject, typically, then turned to sex as it invariably does around Pattaya bars , with Joe mentioning he watched one of those American women’s gossip shows on television.  The topic was what women wanted men to do after sex.  He said the panel, comprised exclusively of women, came up with all sorts of mindless drivel about wanting to be cuddled and pampered; one even saying she wanted some loving conversation!  “What?” asked Peter, “They even wanted us to talk to them?”
“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either.”
“All I do is pay the money, get dressed and leave,” confessed Peter to nods and general agreement all round.

Another platter of drinks in another one of the thousands of Pattaya bars

……and Joe mentioned he was heading back to Australia for a couple of weeks.  He was excited because he knew where he could get his hands on a heap of Viagra, or its nearest equivalent copy, at a very cheap price.  He said he wanted to take it to Australia where he could re-sell it and make a fortune.  His only problem was getting it through Australian Customs and he asked the general question if we thought there would be any problem with taking Viagra into the country.
I’m always trying to help people out.  I must have been a Saint in a previous life, or at least a Boy Scout.  And it always seems to be fellow Australians I’m helping out, whether because of my sense of nationalism, the ANZAC spirit or simply because Aussies seem to need more help than other nationalities.

“Taking packets of Viagra into Australia is easy,” I said.  “If you are stopped by the Australian Customs Gestapo and questioned, all you have to say is, ‘I suffer from erectile dysfunction and they are for my own personal use.’  And say it very loudly so everyone around you can hear.”
Now making a statement like that in any one of the Pattaya bars always has the same effect and I immediately had everyone’s attention.
“Now, one of two things will happen.  He will feel so sorry for your embarrassment he will let you go through quickly or, he won’t give a damn and continue the interrogation.
“In the latter case, one of two things will happen.  He could ask to see a receipt, in which case you show him an official-looking document which will all be in Thai so he will have no idea it is actually a receipt for two kilograms of cat food.  Or, you could be asked to prove you indeed have such an ailment.  In this case your response should be, ‘Sure.  Let’s go to a private room and test it out.’
“Now, if the Customs Gestapo is male, one of two things will happen:  He will either say,

‘Piss off back to your Pattaya bars you

pathetic little pervert!’

……..and let you go, or he will escort you to a private room.
“Once in the room, one of two things will happen.  You will have to grin and bear it but, either he will arouse your manhood in which case you should say, ‘Good God!  I’m not dysfunctional – I’m gay!’ and ask for his phone number, or he will fail to get you aroused and you can say, ‘See!  I told you so!’
“If the Gestapo officer is female, one of two things will happen:  She will either say, ‘Piss off you pathetic little pervert!’ and let you go, or she will escort you to a private room.
“Once in the room, one of two things will happen.  If she succeeds in arousing your manhood you should say, ‘My Lord!  It’s a miracle!  I’m cured!’ and ask for her phone number.  If she fails to get you aroused you can say, ‘See!  I told you so!’
“Whatever happens – you can’t lose.”
My stunned listeners sat for a moment probably wondering if I was serious or not.  Finally Joe broke the silence.  “Sure.  Worth a shot.”

The conversation deteriorated from that point but suffice to say we collectively solved the world economic crisis, global warming and several other more serious problems.  Those American talk shows sound like kindergartens by comparison.  World leaders should follow our example.  Bring the Heads of State to drink in some Pattaya bars, set them up in a Go Go Bar, get them laid and then blind stinking drunk.  Tell them they cannot leave until they sort out their differences.  Then again, perhaps that’s not such a good idea.  Pattaya bars would never recover!

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