A Pattaya Guide for the Mature and not

so Mature Gentlemen

Anyone searching the Internet for information on a Pattaya Guide will be inundated by more than a million websites extolling the virtues of this exciting and vibrant city. They will read more than they ever wanted to know about the property bargains to be had, the sights and temples to be seen, the beaches to be visited and the family entertainment to be experienced. Anybody requiring a more down to earth, factual Pattaya Guide will be forced to pattaya guidesurf the underground sites and Blogs written by people who have actually been here or live here and have no financial interest in extolling Pattayas many virtues. That is, those sites and blogs displaying Pattaya guides which have not been closed down or blocked by democratic governments exercising their right to keep unhealthy information and personal opinions hidden from the masses for their own protection. (I just love governments who defend censorship on the grounds of protecting the people.)

I would recommend intending visitors read the fantastic book Money Number One which provides a Pattaya Guide like it really is in a very humorous way but I can’t because that would involve accusations of unwarranted bias on my part.

Instead, I will offer some further advise to male visitors for those not interested in Pattaya guides which depict sandy beaches, Buddhist temples and family fun parks and will be for the more mature gentlemen including those whose age suggests that in terms of average life expectancy are perhaps closer to death than birth.

An Advance Start to Your Pattaya Guide

First of all guys, you have to prepare for your trip to Pattaya well in advance. Six months before departing your homeland you must let your hair grow, no matter how much or how little you have left on your head. By the time you catch the taxi to the airport it should be long enough to be formed into a ponytail jutting from the center of the back of your head. It does not matter if the front and top of your scalp looks like a bowling ball as long as you have two or three strands from the sides long enough to form a ponytail held in place with a rubber band (very pleb) or a gold-embossed hair tie (very in).

Next, you have to go out and buy a selection of new shirts. (Find a 2 legged Pattaya Guide to show you where) They must be very colorful or loud and made from silk or a similar-looking synthetic material. Whatever the material, they must shine and preferably glow under UV light. These shirts can be long or short sleeve but try them on before leaving the shop to ensure they are body-hugging. Then, when you get them home, carefully remove the top four buttons. This is necessary to expose your hairy chest to an infatuated crowd whose attention has already been drawn to you by the shirt. If you don’t have a hairy chest then I’m afraid you will have to find some way of getting one.

As a further guide to Pattaya, you will then need to purchase some body adornments. There is no way out of it; these adornments must be gold. Silver, stainless steel or even platinum will just not cut it. May I suggest you start with a long and very chunky gold chain draped around your neck. With or without a medallion or pendant attached, this chain will attract onlookers to your hairy and sexy chest. Wearing two chains, one short and one long, is also effective. Don’t wear a wristwatch unless it is an expensive brand. You should buy a chunky, gold, manly bracelet which can be worn on the right wrist (if wearing a watch) or either wrist if you decide against a watch. Before you start complaining about the expense of this jewellery, I’ll let you in on a little Pattaya Guide secret. It only has to look gold, it doesn’t have to be solid gold. Gold plated chains and bracelets are not expensive and are fine for the limited duration of your stay in Pattaya as long as they look the part. After a few weeks the one or two micron gold plating will wear off and your ruse will be exposed, so be warned. The watch too can be a copy, as long as it is a good copy.

Undisclosed Pattaya Guide Info.

What most Pattaya Guides don’t tell you is that Ear Piercing is essential. The minimum requirement is one earring or stud in one ear. If you choose a ring it must be gold while a stud must contain a diamond (cubic zirconia). A good Pattaya Guide choice of which ear to pierce is critical: The left ear means you are a major heterosexual chick magnet but the right ear could give the impression you are gay. (There are separate Pattaya Guides which cover that.) Two earrings in one ear is acceptable but if you want one earring in each ear they must be as large as a 10 baht coin to give you that swashbuckling Errol Flynn look.

Plan your Pattaya Guide well in advance.

A few months before leaving your home, beg steal or borrow CD’s or DVD’s of the latest Rap and Hip Hop garbage sorry, tunes from the US. If your stomach and ears can stand it, spend a few hours each day listening to this rubbish sorry, music – while learning the words to some of the more popular tracks and the names of the cooler artists; eg. Hammer, Scum Bag, Spanner, Foul Mouth Freddie, Saw etc. The good news is you dont have to be able to sing to appreciate Rap and Hip Hop! In fact, the ability to carry a tune is a clear disadvantage.

Once this Pattaya Guide has you safely guided to Pattaya the Go-Go’s will be your avenue in seeking stud-dom. That means that as well as mastering the latest music fashion, you will need to feign a few of the latest dance steps. When you strut out onto that dance floor dressed as described above you will be the center of so much attention it would turn John Travolta green with envy. If you have learned to break dance as well, you will have more adoring young women falling about you than bees around a honey pot. (These can also be excellent Pattaya Guides.)

Oh, I almost forgot; the most important Pattaya Guide to make all this work, you will have to put your brain in neutral and bring lots of money!