Anyone searching the Internet for information on Pattaya will be inundated by more than a million websites extolling the virtues of this exciting and vibrant city.  They will read more than they ever wanted to know about the property bargains to be had, the sights and temples to be seen, the beaches to be visited and the ‘family entertainment’ to be experienced.  Anybody requiring more down to earth, factual information will be forced to surf the underground sites and Blogs written by people who have actually been here or live here and have no financial interest in extolling Pattaya’s many virtues.  That is, those sites and blogs that have not been closed down or blocked by democratic governments exercising their right to keep ‘unhealthy’ information and personal opinions hidden from the masses ‘for their own protection’.  (I just love governments who defend censorship on the grounds of ‘protecting the people’.)

I would recommend intending visitors read the fantastic book Money Number One which tells Pattaya like it is in a very humorous way, but I can’t because that would provoke accusations of incredible bias on my part.  Instead, I will offer some further advice to male visitors; those who are not interested in the beaches, temples and family fun parks.  This advice will be for the more mature gentlemen; those whose age suggests that, in terms of average life expectancy, they are perhaps closer to death than birth.

First of all guys, you have to prepare for your trip to Pattaya well in advance.  Six months before departing your homeland you must let your hair grow, no matter how much or how little you have left on your head.  By the time you catch the taxi to the airport it should be long enough to be formed into a ponytail jutting from the centre of the back of your head.  It does not matter if the front and top of your scalp looks like a bowling ball as long as you have two or three strands from the sides long enough to form a ponytail held in place with a rubber band (very ‘pleb’) or a gold-embossed hair tie (very ‘in’).

Next, you have to go out and buy a selection of new shirts.  They must be very colourful or ‘loud’ and made from silk or a similar-looking synthetic material.  Whatever the material, they must shine and preferably ‘glow’ under UV light.  These shirts can be long or short sleeve but try them on before leaving the shop to ensure they are body-hugging.  Then, when you get them home, carefully remove the top four buttons.  This is necessary to expose your hairy chest to an infatuated crowd whose attention has already been drawn to you by the shirt.  If you don’t have a hairy chest then I’m afraid you will have to find some way of getting one.

You will then need to purchase some body adornments.  There is no way out of it; these adornments must be gold.  Silver, stainless steel or even platinum will just not cut it.  May I suggest you start with a long and very chunky gold chain draped around your neck.  With or without a medallion or pendant attached, this chain will attract onlookers to your hairy and sexy chest.  Wearing two chains, one short and one long, is also effective.  Don’t wear a wristwatch unless it is an expensive brand.  You should buy a chunky, gold, manly bracelet which can be worn on the right wrist (if wearing a watch) or either wrist if you decide against a watch.  Before you start complaining about the expense of this jewellery, I’ll let you in on a little secret.  It only has to look gold, it doesn’t have to be solid gold.  Gold plated chains and bracelets are not expensive and are fine for the limited duration of your stay in Pattaya as long as they look the part.  After a few weeks the one or two micron gold plating will wear off and your ruse will be exposed, so be warned.  The watch too can be a copy, as long as it is a good copy.

Ear piercing is essential.  The minimum requirement is one earring or stud in one ear.  If you choose a ring it must be gold while a stud must contain a diamond (cubic zirconia).  The choice of which ear to pierce is critical: the left ear means you are a major heterosexual chick magnet but the right ear could give the impression you are gay.  Two earrings in the one ear is acceptable but if you want one earring in each ear they must be as large as a 10 baht coin to give you that swashbuckling Errol Flynn look.

A few months before leaving your home, beg steal or borrow CD’s or DVD’s of the latest Rap and Hip Hop garbage – sorry, tunes – from the US.  If your stomach and ears can stand it, spend a few hours each day listening to this rubbish – sorry, music – while learning the words to some of the more popular tracks and the names of the ‘cooler’ artists; eg. ‘Hammer’, ‘Scum Bag’, ‘Spanner’, ‘Foul Mouth Freddie’, ‘Saw’ etc.  The good news is you don’t have to be able to sing to appreciate Rap and Hip Hop!  In fact, the ability to carry a tune is a clear disadvantage.

Once you’ve arrived safely in Pattaya the discos will be your avenue to stud-dom.  That means that as well as mastering the latest music fashion, you will need to feign a few of the latest dance steps.  When you strut out onto that dance floor dressed as described above you will be the centre of so much attention it would turn John Travolta green with envy.  If you have learned to break dance as well, you will have more adoring young women falling about you than bees around a honey pot.

Oh, I almost forgot; to make all this work you will have to bring lots of money!

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